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You have just entered room "LLLChat1 Siegal."
LLLChat1: Welcome to the Virtual Conference Guest Speaker Chat, featuring Judith Siegal.
GSJudithSiegal has entered the room.
LLLChat1: Welcome Judith Siegal!
GSJudithSiegal: Hi Michelle!
IngramInAR has entered the room.
LLLChat1: Welcome to the Virtual Conference Guest Speaker Chat, featuring Judith Siegal.
BarbaraMomm has entered the room.
LLLChat1: Welcome to the Virtual Conference Guest Speaker Chat, featuring Judith Siegal.
iona146 has entered the room.
LLLChat1: Welcome to the Virtual Conference Guest Speaker Chat, featuring Judith Siegal.
LLLChat1: The topic of this chat is What Children Learn From Their Parents' Marriage.
GSJudithSiegal: It's great to have an opportunity to talk about my book, and some of the
issues that face today's

GSJudithSiegal: families.
LLLChat1: For this chat, we'll be using modified protocol.
LLLChat1: Have a question, type a ? and we'll call on you.
IngramInAR: ?
LLLChat1: Go Ahead IngramInAR
IngramInAR: what impact do you see a parents marriage having on children today?
GSJudithSiegal: Ingram, That's a broad subject to answer in one sentence. The bottom line
from my perspective

GSJudithSiegal: is that children do notice the way that their parents interact and handle things,
and learn about

GSJudithSiegal: adult intimacy - what to expect in their own lives when they get older. I can
talk about the

GSJudithSiegal: different areas, such as dependency, respect etc...
MnMLyons has entered the room.
LLLChat1: Welcome to the Virtual Conference Guest Speaker Chat, featuring Judith Siegal.
LLLChat1: For this chat, we'll be using modified protocol.
LLLChat1: Have a question, type a ? and we'll call on you.
iona146: ?
LLLChat1: Did that help answer your question IngramInAR?
IngramInAR: yes
LLLChat1: Iona146 Go ahead w/ your question
iona146: I would love to hear about the positive effects if any of parents' arguing on children?
GSJudithSiegal: I'm glad you raised that issue. I do believe that it benefits children to observe
their parents

GSJudithSiegal: disagree, but only when they can argue CONSTRUCTIVELY. When
parents can really listen

GSJudithSiegal: to each other's point of view, be respectful of where the other is comming
from,

GSJudithSiegal: and find a way to resolve the difference, then they are setting a wonderful
example

GSJudithSiegal: for their children to use - in the future, and right now, when they disagree
with their friends.

GSJudithSiegal: The best result is that children grow up not afraid of difference - after all,
differences can be

GSJudithSiegal: resolved.
LLLChat1: Message is too long or too complex
LLLChat1: Judith on that same note
LLLChat1: At what point other than physical violence is harmful for a child?
GSJudithSiegal: Michelle, there are many important research studies on conflict and its effect
on children. Did you

GSJudithSiegal: know that young children are more effected by the "cold wars"? These are
the fights that parents

GSJudithSiegal: pretend the children don't notice, but where there is tension, distance and
often sarcasm in the way

GSJudithSiegal: they interact. Children are upset by verbal fighting as well, and often fear
that it will be

GSJudithSiegal: directed in their direction as well. Usually they try to break up a 'fight' even if
it's not

GSJudithSiegal: physical.
iona146: It is interesting to hear this as culturally here in Japan the cold wars are very common,
esp father

iona146: says nothing to mother and so she just gets louder and louder
GSJudithSiegal: I urge parents to learn how to fight constructively, and how to let the children
know when the

GSJudithSiegal: fighting is over, so that they can relax and feel more protected again.
GSJudithSiegal: What typically happens in your culture?
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BarbaraMomm has entered the room.
LLLChat1: w/b Barbaramomm
iona146: Well I am not Japanese but my husband is so we have to find our medium ground, a
blend of fire n ice

GSJudithSiegal: I would guess that many couples find themselves in a similar position, where
the male is withdrawn

GSJudithSiegal: and the female gets louder and louder. But research shows that that is simply
not effective. When

MsAHS4ABF has entered the room.
GSJudithSiegal: a person gets angry or is exposed to anger (the loud voice) their body
produces adrenelin. They are

LLLChat1: Welcome to the Virtual Conference Guest Speaker Chat, featuring Judith Siegal.
LLLChat1: For this chat, we'll be using modified protocol.
GSJudithSiegal: then able to "fight or flee", but they can NOT asborb or respond to new
information. It's kind of

LLLChat1: Have a question, type a ? and we'll call on you.
GSJudithSiegal: an impossible setup: the louder you get, the more you guarentee that your
partner will not

GSJudithSiegal: be able to hear you!
sanwamLLL has entered the room.
bevlll has entered the room.
LLLChat1: Welcome to the Virtual Conference Guest Speaker Chat, featuring Judith Siegal.
LLLChat1: For this chat, we'll be using modified protocol.
LLLChat1: Have a question, type a ? and we'll call on you.
iona146: So how can we be sure our kids are not being damaged by this sortof interaction?
GSJudithSiegal: That is really the point behind my book. If we know that certain kinds of
interactions don't
MsAHS4ABF: ?
GSJudithSiegal
: work well for children, we should try harder as a team, to do what works
better for them, (and

GSJudithSiegal: by the way, it usually works better for the marriage as well). In the case of
conflict, it is better

GSJudithSiegal: to use anger to INFORM us....and then find a way to release some of that
anger before we

GSJudithSiegal: approach our spouse. Even in a fight, we should feel like husband and wife
are a team, and

GSJudithSiegal: that sense of compassion and good will is very much alive. If anger takes
that away, then either

GSJudithSiegal: spouse should stop the interaction, and take a grown up time-out - even if it's
5 or 10 minutes.

GSJudithSiegal: The goal is to be able to express ideas and feelings, and feel listened to.
Parents also can explore

GSJudithSiegal: new ways of resolving differences.....but first, the safe climate has to be
established. This kind

GSJudithSiegal: of fighting is actually good for kids to be exposed to (as long as the subject
matter is not the kids

GSJudithSiegal: sex, or the in-laws.)
LLLChat1: so what's there to argue about after that :-)
LLLChat1: Are we ready for the next question?
MsAHS4ABF: is having a special place to "war" a good idea?
GSJudithSiegal
: I haven't thought about it that way before, but it could work for some
couples.
MsAHS4ABF: we use a large walk in closet
LLLChat1
: MsAHS4ABF my dh and I find that we argue more constructively if we go
outside.

GSJudithSiegal: I guess that means neither of you have any "hang-ups"
LLLChat1: LOL!
MsAHS4ABF: We usually end up laughing its funny in there
LLLChat1
: We don't like to disturb all the birds and squirrels and bring the neighors in on it
GSJudithSiegal: Then both of these are great recommendations.
LLLChat1: Message is too long or too complex
LLLChat1: Does it seem that children whose parents are happy in their marriages tend to
LLLChat1: go on to have healthy relationships themselves?
GSJudithSiegal: There are research studies that suggest this is so. When happily-married
couples are asked the

GSJudithSiegal: secret of their success, many say that their parents were in a good marriage,
and they always

GSJudithSiegal: wanted the same kind of experience. Even if children seem embarrased
when their

GSJudithSiegal: parents hold hands or hug, they remember this for a long time, and it serves
as an inspiration

BarbaraMomm has left the room.
GSJudithSiegal: for them. There are so many positives that we can give our children through
example.

bevlll: ?
LLLChat1: Go ahead Bevlll
bevlll: If parents are happy with eachother, but do not demonstrate affection because of
personal difficultie

bevlll: s, do you think the child misses out much by not seeing them touch/ kiss etc
GSJudithSiegal: I'm kind of curious about what you mean by personal difficulties?
bevlll: famioly history from childhood, makes touch a big issue for the mother
MsAHS4ABF: ?for bevlll
GSJudithSiegal
: Painful experiences from the past are challenges we must overcome. A
welcome hug from

GSJudithSiegal: a loved family member needs to be experienced differently from an intrusive
or unwanted

GSJudithSiegal: touch. As children we are passive or without power. As adults, we must
experiment with the

bevlll: they are working on it, but are concerned that daughter does not see affection 'in action'.
GSJudithSiegal: full range of our strength - and in that process, learn that the past can not
claim us or restrict us

GSJudithSiegal: especially from getting and giving the kind of love we need and want from
those we truly love.

GSJudithSiegal: I hope that their wish for their daughter to see it in action serves as an
inspiration and impetus.

bevlll: It is difficult but it does motivate them. Thanks.
iona146: ?
LLLChat1: Go Ahead Iona146
iona146: is it possible in such a situation that love can be shown other ways, acts of service,
etc?

GSJudithSiegal: All acts and expressions of love are beautiful - and the kind of legacy we
want to give our children.

GSJudithSiegal: I am on the side of opening to door to all kinds of positive signs of affection,
respect and love.

iona146: I am thinking maybe pysical love is harder toshow sometimes, but cooking a lovely
meal, knitting a sw

iona146: eater, giving flowers, sharing stories from the nwspaper ove r breakfast etc. may
serve as a good exa

iona146: mple for the children too.
iona146: Sorry that sounds very sexist, but you might see what I am getiing at
GSJudithSiegal: One of the leaders in the chat room here in Chicago said that she and her
husband dance in the

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